


Because I Saw Differently

by Lazy Cat Corner (Gummyyummy156)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Creepy vibes, Gen, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), avengers: infinity angst, crying in the club angst, dealing with grief, deals with death, sad brooding, sad with a silver lining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 09:24:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14829648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gummyyummy156/pseuds/Lazy%20Cat%20Corner
Summary: With Loki by Thor's side, they work to get the Infinity Gauntlet and restore everything they lost. There is hope, just not the way Thor wished for.





	Because I Saw Differently

**Author's Note:**

> CHOO-CHOO All aboard! One way ticket to Feelsville. [emphasis on feels, don’t say I didn’t warn you]

“Stay focused, Point Break!” Tony’s voice echoes in Thor’s earpiece.

Thor can feel his energy getting weaker. He lets out a grunt and pushes past the exhaustion. He has worked too long and too hard to turn back. Almost everyone has returned and things were going to get better. They just needed to finish it off. Today was the day he would set things right!

Thor dashes alongside Nebula and Gamora. The three break apart in the battlefield in different directions. Thor throws Stormbreaker and lets it slice into the wave of defenders in front of Thanos.

Gamora aims her blaster and takes out the remaining defenders. One by one, Thanos’s lackeys collapse to the ground at the same time.

“Well done,” Loki praises Thor, “Now, aim for his arm this time!” He advises.

Thor lets out a flash of lightning. Thanos jumps backward and is stunned for a moment, but that moment is all Thor needs. He releases Stormbreaker once more and it sinks into Thanos’s right forearm. The titan pries Stormbreaker off with his gauntleted hand and lets out a low growl. Thor feels the electrical energy charge through his body, outside of his fingertips and into his ax, releasing a building charge of energy and launches Thanos off of his feet. Gamora steps forward and finishes her blow. Thanos looks into his daughter’s eyes for one last plea to spare him.

She would have hesitated on the trigger before this war. She might have even helped him up and given him a chance to explain himself. That is until she learned quickly that her father wouldn’t show her the same courtesy. Gamora clenches her free hand and squeezes the blaster.  Just as anticipated, a barrier comes out of Thanos’s gauntlet and tosses her fifty feet away. Thanos holds out his gauntlet, spreads his fingers and slowly approaches Gamora.

“Understand, Gamora, I am happy that you are back. When I killed you, I felt immense remorse and grief for what I did. Remorse, but I knew your death would serve an important purpose." Gamora scrambles backward and glowers. “With that said, I can’t let you kill me,” Thanos gives a pitying look and sighs, “Goodbye, again, little one.”  

Thanos releases a charge of energy and frowns. The gauntlet in his hand is vibrating oddly in his palm. Before he can examine what is wrong, the gauntlet wiggles and pushes itself out of his hand. Stormbreaker grazes across Thanos’s cheek and flies alongside the gauntlet.

The last thing he saw was Thor standing on the other end of the battlefield, and grasping both weapons in his hand. Nebula rushes forward and slices her blade cleanly across her father’s neck.

There was no scream when Nebula killed him. It was quick and over in a second. Thanos did not stand up and brush off the dirt. His body lays unmoving on the ground. Like any of his other victims, the titan is not immune to death.

A tension releases inside everyone at the immediate silence. The constant ringing in everyone’s ears and the pulse of adrenaline stop at once. Nebula helps Gamora up with a smile. The two sisters pull each other in a much-needed embrace. Tears running down their cheeks at the relief that the war is nearing an end and their father’s power is gone.

On the other side of the battlefield, Thor holds the gauntlet in his hand. Too stunned at how easy his own victory was.

“I wonder if he knew that Stormbreaker and the gauntlet came from the same star.” Loki eyes his brother’s awed expression. “Did he know that your lightning was all that was needed to connect the two?”

"No," Thor shakes his head, "He was ambitious but impulsive. Everything he did was irrational and poorly thought out.”

Loki laughs at the dark humor in Thor’s comment. _Irrational and poorly thought_ is what kept Loki from permanent death.  

Thor holds the gauntlet in his hand and scans the colorful gems. One by one, he notes each stone glimmering in front of him. They’re all beckoning for him to touch them. To pick up and use the promised infinite power. There’s only one he has his attention on. Thor reaches for the orange gem and plucks it out of the gauntlet. He carefully sets the gauntlet down to examine the stone.

A small little jewel, no bigger than a coin holds all the power of life. This gem dictates who belongs here and who belongs in the realm of the dead.

“Brother, are you sure about this?” Loki fidgets with his hand. “This might bring everyone more stress than they need right now. They all just defeated a titan. Do they need another threat in their presence?”

“Never mind what they think. Anyway, I’m not going to reconsider my decision now. You’ve been nothing but an ally. It might take some time and persuasion, but the rest will understand and see what I saw in you. I’m happy to have you by my side, brother. I wouldn’t have gotten through it without you.” A gentle smile crosses Thor’s face, “It’s almost like when we were younger. A team who felt practically invincible with what they could do. Some would believe they could move planets if they set their minds to it.”

Loki looks away and brushes back a tear. “Well then, you better work quick,” Loki eyes their allies bunching up together and thanking one another.

“They’re coming,” Thor exhales, “They’ll all be here to thank us both!”

“Except that nobody can see me. Or even know to thank me,” Loki chuckles.

“They will,” he holds the stone up to the light. “Soon.”

“You should probably do it before Stark has a say,” Loki clicks his tongue, “he wouldn’t be so pleased knowing you used it for me.”

Thor waves a dismissive hand, “I helped him bring everyone else back. I use this stone and we can call our debts cleared with one another.”

“Sounds fair,” Loki shrugs, “A little too simple, but fair. They’re most likely going to lock me up before they agree to clear any debt.”

Thor opens his mouth to counter his brother's comment and is interrupted by the crowd coming forward to greet them.

Valkyrie and Sif run ahead of the approaching crowd and dash to Thor.  

“My friends!” Thor waves. “You did an amazing job, Valkyrie. I’m proud to have you here defending both Midgard and Asgard!”

“Well, I can’t take all the credit,” Valkyrie jabs at Sif’s shoulder, “I don’t believe I’ve ever fought so well alongside someone since my sisters.”

Sif tightens her lips and stops herself from letting her emotions take over. The Valkyrior are what inspired her in the first place to become the best warrior in Asgard.

“Thank you, mam,” she keeps her voice leveled.

Valkyrie throws an arm around Sif’s shoulder and laughs. “Don’t get formal with me, now!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sif tremble,” Loki snickers behind Thor’s shoulder.

Thor ignores his brother’s comment and pulls the two women in a tight embrace.

“I’m happy that you are here, too. It might not be much, but I feel at home with the three of you by my side.”

“Three?” Valkyrie peers over Thor’s shoulder and looks for their unexpected guest.

Thor lets go of his grip and motions behind him. “My brother!” Thor laughs when he sees the look of confusion on everyone, “I mean, his spirit! He’s been by my side this whole time. Helping me with everything. I know you all might not trust him, but at least trust _me_. He deserves to be back just as any of you do. And it wouldn’t be fair to leave him behind.”  

In the back of the crowd, Peter Quill barks out a laugh, “Wait a minute.” He steps forward, “Look, I get all the sentimental crap and whatever, but let’s jump to what’s really important. Your brother is a _ghost_?”

Thor nods enthusiastically. “My brother, Loki, is very clever.”

“No way. That is the coolest thing I’ve heard! He’s here right now?” Peter grins.

“Yes,” Thor motions in front of him, “He’s standing right there.”

Wanda curiously tilts her head. Before she can ask Thor, she is interrupted.

“Hello, Loki,” Peter struts forward, “My name is Starloard,” he waves to the space in front of Thor, “I can’t see you, but I’ve seen pictures of you and I’m relieved to know you are the ugly brother,” Peter smiles without a hint of humor.

“Do you think he bleeds as easily as the rest of the Midgardians?” Loki hisses to Thor. Thor turns to his brother and shushes him.

“Peter!” Gamora scolds.

“What?” Peter shrugs his shoulders, “What I meant was, you’re the _uglier_ one in _comparison_ to your brother.” Peter winks at an enraged Gamora. He realizes his failed attempt at a complement and lowers his voice, “Which means he’s average because Thor isn’t even that beautiful.”

“We all know that is a lie,” Drax mutters.

“Enough!” Gamora interrupts Drax, “Thor, what were you going to say about the soul stone?”

“Right,” Thor turns to Gamora and ignores his brother throwing a number of curses-some in different languages- at Peter’s direction. “If my brother’s spirit touches this soul stone, then he will come back. Correct?” Thor pulls out the stone and holds it in front.

“Yes,” Gamora nods. “His spirit is still here, so the stone can restore his body.”

Gamora can feel the look of disapproval on everyone else’s faces, but she knows too well how important bringing back Loki is to Thor. Despite Nebula’s crimes, Gamora would do the same for her sister without question.

Thor’s hands are trembling with excitement. He takes a deep breath to steady them. Grasping the stone firmly in his hand, he holds it out for his brother to touch. He can feel the energy pulsing in the stone. Like a little trap door begging to be opened, Thor releases the latch. Loki reaches over and carefully sets one finger over the stone.  

Loki curls his hand back and clutches his chest. He takes slow, deep breaths as his corporeal body materializes. One final exhale, and Thor can completely see his brother standing in front of him.

Thor’s heart is pounding at the sight of his brother. Like each fragment of his heart is coming together and mending itself. While it wouldn’t be the first time Thor felt this way, it doesn’t make it any easier. Nevertheless, he is truly relieved that he has his brother by his side once more.

“It’s good to finally have you back, brother.” Thor smiles.

Loki studies his hands. "I imagined it would be more painful," he admits. "Bringing back a physical body that's not there couldn't possibly be as painless."

“Is your neck all right?" Thor eyes his brother's collar. Even if his body came back, his broken neck couldn’t be easy for the stone to fix.

Loki automatically touches his neck and smirks. “As if it never broke.” He shrugs. “Thank you, brother.”

Thor steps forward, ready to finally make contact with his brother. He knows it’s a selfish thought, but having Loki by his side never felt complete. There was the missing piece of him being _here._ He reaches over to pull his brother in an embrace and freezes. He notices something out of place. He is the only one who has spoken. Surely someone would have stepped forward to ask him something or greet his brother. A look of confusion crosses his face when he notices everyone’s still expressions.

The air around Thor is silent. Not a single face is readable and appear neither as happy, cautious or angry as he expected.

Rocket and Groot step forward and break the tension.

“Am I missing something?” Rocket darts his eyes around, “Where is he?” Rocket tilts his head.

“Right there, of course.” Thor’s smile widens. Thor thought he heard someone suck in a breath.

“Thor,” Sif clenches her fists and stops her voice from shaking, “Thor, there’s no one there.” Sif says flatly. She takes a few steps forward and reaches out a hand to Thor.

Thor’s smile fades and he pulls his shoulder away from Sif’s reach.

“He-he’s right here.” He weakly motions to his side. “I can see him as I see any of you,” his voice cracks. Thor can feel his mouth going dry.

“Oh, jeez.” Rocket lowers his head and gently pats a confused Groot on the back.

Thor’s heart sinks at Rocket’s comment. There’s a mistake. He did something wrong with the soul stone. As long as Thor can see Loki, he will come back to him.

But why couldn’t Thor ever truly feel Loki’s presence? Why was it that Thor is the only one who can see Loki? Someone else must have felt his presence. Someone must have told him that they knew. Vision, Wanda or even Strange. Every last one of them spoke comfortably when Loki was in the room and didn’t once bring it up.

His trance is broken when he hears a loud whimper.

“Brother,” Loki’s voice begins to flicker in and out.

“No,” Thor turns around and rushes forward, “No! Don’t-

Loki’s face begins to sink in. His porcelain skin darkens, shifts and form cracks. He looks like the day he first sacrificed himself to save his brother. “Forgive me,” tears roll down Loki’s face. The closer Thor reaches to Loki, the more parts of him fade away.

“N-no! You promised. YOU PROMISED!” Thor reaches out to the fading image.

_I failed you._

Thor sinks to the ground and stares at the empty space. His heart shattering again into a million pieces.

Why does it always end like this? When will it ever go the way he wants?

He buries his hands in his face and shuts his eyes tight. He just needs to call him back. If he calls his name, Loki will come back. Thor quietly mutters his brother’s name. Over and over like a chant.

_Remember him. His face, his clothes. Right down to the eye color. Remember and he will come back._

Sif rushes to Thor’s side and pulls him in her arms.

“It’s just a trick, right? He loves to pull tricks.” Thor looks up hopefully at everybody.

Everyone glances at each other nervously, unsure how to comfort Thor. Rocket rubs the back of his neck and gives Thor a look of sympathy. The kind of comfort a friend would give to someone who is mourning.  

Sif tightens her hold on Thor and remains still. Finally, Wanda lets out a breath of air and approaches Thor.

She drops to her knees next to his other side and cautiously places a hand on his shoulder, “Thor, you have to listen to me.” Thor remains silent, but a jerk of his shoulder tells her that he’s listening, “I’m sorry, but when you told me your brother was here, I didn’t sense any magic. Other than the stones, everything seemed bare,” she frowns, “I should have said something, but I didn’t know how to say it without upsetting you.”

Thor’s chest tightens. His head is heating up and it feels like it is filled with rocks.

“So, I’ve gone mad?” Thor’s voice lowers and he eyes Wanda.

“No-No, of course not.” Wanda shakes her head, “You’re not crazy.” She leans closer to Thor and tries to hold her gaze on his. “When I lost my brother, Pietro, sometimes I would see him in the corner of my eye or I thought I heard him call my name. One time, I woke up from a dream and thought he was in the other room making breakfast. And another time, my magic went out of control and projected his image,” Wanda swallows. Fighting back tears, “It was terrifying. Terrifying, but not crazy.”

“It might have happened to me once or twice,” Valkyrie avoids eye contact as she confesses.

Thor howls out a cry and feels sparks in his hands dancing. Sif tightens her grip and tries to mutter comforting words. Thor loosens Sif’s grip and pushes himself back. The clouds darken and a rumble of thunder startles everyone.

“Thor, please,” Sif reaches forward.

The roar of a jet catches everybody’s attention

Tony comes flying in and stands no more than twenty feet in front of Thor. He holds out his hands and removes the front of his mask. His stance is less threatening and more soothing. Like calming down a threatened tiger.

“Thor, you need to stop this,” Tony softens his voice, “Natasha told me what happened and I’m sorry, but it’s not safe for you to hold on to that stone.”  
“No,” Thor growls, baring his teeth. “Not until I bring him back. Not until he’s here with us!”

“Tony, step back!” Wanda stands in between the two. “Let me handle this.”

Wanda keeps her posture as calm and non-threatening as possible.

“I know you’re hurt, but you need to let go. Let your brother go and more importantly, let that stone go. Nothing good comes from a raw resurrection, Thor. I’ve read too many failed attempts of people summoning souls of their rested loved ones.”

Thor grips the stone tighter and shakes his head. He can feel the soul stone burning in his palm. He let too much energy out of the stone and now he can hear it screaming at him to use it. Everything inside him is building up and begging to be released.

Wanda can see Thor struggling and continues, “It’s not safe for you to hold on to it for that long. When you released the energy, the stone could feel you and it knows exactly what you want. But it will always want _more_ and if you don’t give it, it will take.”

“No,” Thor weakly protests.

“Please, you could hurt more people trying to bring him back,” Wanda begs.

“No.”

“Listen to Wanda,” Tony interrupts. “You have to hand the stone back. It’s not going to work. You’ve already tried.” Tony approaches Thor and is pushed back by a wave of lightning.

“NO! NO, HE’S NOT GONE! IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! HE CAN’T BE GONE HE-HE CAN’T! H-he said that the sun-” A clash of thunder follows the rhythm of Thor’s unsteady voice. His chest is aching and there is a pressure inside his head that is getting worse.

Voices from all around him are telling him to do something different. The stone in his hand is violently glowing. Coaxing him to use it. To punish those who aren’t him. Take every last person’s life until his brother stands in front of him. He can hear the panic around him. His friends are yelling at one another about what to do. And finally, there is a voice inside his head that is just begging for everything to stop.

Thor screams at all the voices to leave him alone. He holds up his hand to throw a wave of lightning and is halted.

Wanda’s magic glows from her palms, containing the lightning that is uncontrollably sparking out of Thor’s hands. Thor lunges forward and startles Wanda with an almost feral growl. She hardly recognizes her friend and nearly trips backward avoiding his outreached hands.

Valkyrie sprints forward and pulls Thor back. She grips on to one end of Thor’s arm and orders everybody else to get something to tie Thor down. The rest of the crowd spreads out and search for something strong enough to hold Thor down.

Tony ignores Valkyrie’s command and steps in, gripping on to Thor’s other arm. Thor jerks the two back and forth, to shake them off.

Groot lets out a grunt and steps in to hold Thor’s torso still.

“I am Groot,” he pleads an apology to his friend. Hoping he will forgive him for handling him like some caged animal.

The three use all their strength and pull him down. If he wasn’t already so tired, he could have easily released their grip. Thor’s burning muscles beg for him to stop resisting. 

The strong gust of wind makes the hairs on Gamora stand up. She stops searching and glances at the approaching storm. Thor doesn’t seem to be calming down, and it’s only a matter of time before the four holding him grow tired. She turns to Mantis and gives a pleading look for her help. Without needing further command, she calmly approaches Thor. Tony screams at her to stop where she is but the empath ignores his warning.

Mantis gently places a hand above Thor’s forehead and releases a calming wave of energy. Thor’s sobs soften until they are a quiet whimper on his lips. His hands relax, and he releases the stone clutched. The stone leaves behind a deep burn branded on his palm.

Mantis leans forward and takes in a deep breath. “Sleep,” her soft voice soothes the demigod’s ear. Thor obeys without any protest. His muscles relax and he falls forward.

* * *

Releasing the soul stone cleared Thor’s head, but it didn’t make him any happier. 

His tears dried up and are now deep and painful sobs in his throat. He wants to make it stop, but it’s like a hiccup. The more you fight it or ignore the presence, the harder and louder it becomes. He lies down, chained to his bed and waits for the patterns on the ceiling to bore him to sleep.

A rustling sound wakes him up and Thor carefully peeks an eye open. Probably either Valkyrie or Sif to check up on him and keep him company.

The two have been working together to help Thor, but most of their conversations end with Thor asking them if they’re willing to help him resurrect Loki. It always ends the same way with one of them leaving and the other to take their place. They’re becoming less of his friends and more of his prison guards taking shifts.

 He shuts and opens his eyes three times before he can identify the presence.

“Get out,” he mutters.  

Loki looks like he did the day he died and it makes Thor sick to his stomach at the accuracy. His skin is so pale, his eyes are blood-shot red and he can spot the blood vessels that protruded from Thanos’s tight grip. Loki’s head hangs limply to his side, holding a dark glare at his brother. His eyes are unblinking and screaming at Thor, _Look what you did to me!_

Why would he choose to see such a revolting form? He’s disgusted with himself and his twisted mind.

“Get out,” Thor puts a bit more force into his voice. When the apparition remains unchanged, Thor shuts his eyes and grumbles. “Get out. Get out. GET OUT, YOU’RE NOT HIM!” He orders.

“I can’t,” the apparition whimpers quietly. “No, that’s not right, I _won’t_.” Its voice flattens, “Because you don’t truly want me to leave.”

“Yes-

“No,” it interrupts him. It’s voice growing more grim, “you don’t,” Thor remains silent. “I’m _you_. I’m only your thoughts. I only know what you know and you’ve known this the whole time, admit it.”

Thor shakes his head.

Thor can feel it moving closer. Standing right over his bed and looking down on his pitiful body. Thor keeps his eyes closed and turns his back to the apparition as much as he can, ignoring the discomfort on his restraints.  

“You _knew_ that I wasn’t real. Maybe it was a fleeting thought. A doubt or a question you would never dare ask. There was a part of you that knew the truth,” it hisses in his ear.

“I didn’t want it to be true,” Thor’s voice trembles.

“No,” the voice softens. Thor flinches feeling a cold hand press on his cheek, “you didn’t.”

The hand on his cheek warms and becomes smaller.

“Look at me,” the voice of a young boy compels Thor to open his eyes again.

His throat tightens at the sight of his brother when he was a child. The once cold and harsh lines on Loki are soft and smaller. With wide, light blue eyes that are bigger and brighter with innocence and curiosity. Coarse, black hair sticking up, cut at a length he hasn’t seen in centuries.

There is a throb in Thor’s chest like the boy reached in and gripped on to his heart. The intensity of it makes him want to cry. Thor’s not sure if this apparition is better than the other one or worse.

He knows it’s not really him, but Thor needs to speak to it.

“I’m-

“Sorry?” The apparition finishes.

“I failed you. I’m the one who was supposed to protect you. Not the other way around. Not-not like this.” He can feel tears stinging his eyes.

The apparition remains silent, a look of accusation on its face. Thor realizes talking to the thing like it is his brother has no purpose. It’s like a hamster is running in a wheel inside his own head, but he can’t stop himself. Not until he is satisfied. Until something eases his racing mind.    

Are things really going to get better?”

“I don’t know.”

“How am I supposed to be king?”

“I don’t know.”

"What am I supposed to do as a king?"

“I don’t know.”

“What did you mean when you said the sun shining on us, again? Were you trying to tell me something?”

“I don’t know.”

"Why didn't you stop him?" Thor raises his voice. A plea that his jumbled mind for once has some clarity. "You could have. I've seen you take on beasts three times Thanos's size without magic, but you stood there like a lamb for slaughter!"

“I don’t know.”

 “Please,” he begs his mind, “I need something else other than _I don’t_ know. If you could just tell me why…” Thor’s voice falls flat. He can feel the warm tears rolling down his cheeks. He knits his eyebrows and begs for his mind to give him a better answer.  

“Why did I die?” There’s a harshness to its voice.

Thor feels stupid nodding when he knows the boy is just his mind.  

“I don’t know.” A hint of smugness crosses its face.

Thor lets out a menacing growl. The apparition ignores Thor’s rage. It turns its back and hops on the bed next to him. It reaches for Thor’s chains on his arm and idly plays with it in its small and uncalloused hands. “Or I guess to be more accurate, _you_ _don’t know_. Maybe I wanted to be the hero and I had a bigger plan that didn’t work,” its small hands pulls Thor’s chain up to its neck and wraps it around while making a mock choking sound. The haunting giggles sends a tingle up Thor’s spine. He swallows back the bile crawling up and looks away at the apparition’s twisted humor.

The chains fall back down on its lap with a _CLANG_. “Or maybe I was finished with it all. I hardly had a place on Asgard. Whether the realm was destroyed or otherwise, nobody would have wanted me back. Not even Sif,” the apparition huffs. It sounds like it is somehow _offended_. “It’s a wonder why you were the only one to think differently.”    

“Because I saw differently.”

“Well apparently, what you see doesn’t have any truth,” it teases. “You saw me, and look how well that turned out.” It jingles the chains in its hands up and down like a sleigh bell. A reminder of how far he let his blind faith take him. “And _now_ , you can’t even say my name.”

“You’re not _him_ ,” Thor grumbles.

“That’s true,” It says, with a tone like it notices it’s own error. “It doesn’t matter why I did it. Not anymore,” it shrugs.

“Because, the war is over,” Thor says each word carefully. “I can restore what is left of Asgard and let life carry on.” A sinking feeling drops in Thor’s gut knowing that he has another unwanted responsibility awaiting ahead.

“Took you long enough to finally understand that I’m just speaking your thoughts,” the apparition rolls its eyes.

“And I have to let you go,” Thor’s heart clenches.

“I guess,” the apparition presses its lips with a look of uncertainty.  

 Thor’s learning quickly that his own wisdom isn’t the best source of healing. Which is why he can’t feel anger anymore for the apparition not telling him what he wants to hear.

The apparition of his brother was at one time a great comfort for him. When he believed the lies he would tell himself. When he could ignore what was in front of him and trust that something better will come his way. That his brother and he were invincible to the rest of the world. Fate and destiny could be defied and their will alone will get them through.

His father’s words are making more sense to him and he is learning just how frail his mortality is. He might be the God of Thunder, but he is not exempt from the rules. It pains him even more that he knows his brother wasn’t an exception, either.

Turning to a projection of his dead brother won’t shelter him from what he fears. One day, and probably sooner than he expects, he is going to need to face his duty; alone and unprepared. If Thor doesn’t have his brother, is there really anybody who will stand by his side the way Loki did? To be more accurate, the way he _hoped_ Loki would.

Thor will rebuild Asgard. He might live to see it grow with a new population and live surrounded by a loving and peaceful kingdom. He will make new friends and always be busy keeping everything together. It’s the fact that there will be nobody with him to tell him he’s doing okay that makes him feel so alone.

“There’s only one thing I do know,” Thor breaks the silence. His vision becoming a bit cloudy and muffled.  

“I’m not coming back,” the boy whimpers goodbye. A sound of sorrow echoes in Thor’s ears knowing this might be the last time his subconscious needs to see his brother. 

* * *

Thor’s eyes shoot open. His pounding heart is quickly returning to a steady beat. He feels a wet spot on his shoulder and bites his lip knowing that the tears were the only thing that wasn’t a dream. It takes a few deep breaths until he can soothe the wave of emotions coursing through.

 His heart jumps when he realizes somebody is sitting next to him. He swallows and prays that this apparition of Loki is more pleasant to look at.

“Thor, are you awake? Can you hear me?” Sif’s voice surprises Thor. He turns his head to look at his companion’s concerned face.

“Yes,” he lets out a breath of relief. Thor wiggles his body and tries to sit himself up. The chains make it more challenging, but he has enough slack to lean against the headboard. “I was crying, wasn’t I?”

Sif keeps her eyes to the ground and rubs her knees.

“Yes, and talking. You kept shouting to get out. I thought you were mad at me and I got up to leave. Right when I reached for the doorknob, I realized you weren’t speaking to me.” Sif continues after a beat of silence, her voice sounding quieter. “You were still asleep. I couldn’t quite understand what you were saying, but I had an idea to whom you were speaking to.” She eyes Thor curiously. Asking if he’s all right would be tactless. She decides to skip ahead and get to the problem. “Do you know what you dreamt?”

Thor nods his head and sighs, “I already know. It felt almost real. Like I was really seeing another apparition of my brother,” he confesses. “But, this one was just a dream,” he shifts his eyes, “I think.”

“This is real, I can pinch you if you need.” Sif reaches forward.

Thor recoils. “No,” He laughs, “this feels very real, thank you.”

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Sif addresses the elephant in the room.

“Since it wasn’t a pleasant dream, do you want to talk about it?” Sif offers.

Thor shakes his head, “Not really,” he mutters. “I did a lot of talking, actually. Probably more than I need,” he laughs

Sif gives a weak smile, “Don’t bottle it up if you still feel upset.” She urges.

Thor knows Sif means well for prying, but he’s not quite ready to say everything on his mind. Perhaps handling his stresses would work best one at a time. He starts with what he’s least worried about.

“Sif?” He looks at her cautiously.

“I’m not willing to do any resurrections,” Sif lets out an audible sigh.

“No, that’s not what I was going to say.”

Sif blinks. This is the first time Thor hasn’t tried to turn the conversation about the uses of dark magic. Both Wanda and Strange came in to explain to Thor why pulling a soul out of Valhalla and shoving it into a cold and empty body is cruel. Thor insisted he knew other ways that Midgard sorcerers don’t know. Her and Valkyrie have been afraid of the day Thor leaves them to visit The Norns and never come back.

“What were you going to say?” She asks curiously.

“Do you know anything about rebuilding an entire realm?”

Sif doesn’t know what else to do other than laugh. “Huh?” She wonders if Thor is jesting with her.

Thor raises his eyebrows and watches her patiently. Sif thinks for a moment about Thor’s question before she answers.

“No, I hardly know how to be a part of the royal court, let alone run an entire realm.”

Thor’s not surprised but he hoped she would have a vague idea where to start.

“For what it’s worth,” Sif leans forward and places a warm hand on Thor. The solid contact Sif makes relieves Thor’s nerves. He didn’t want to worry her that he was scared he was making this up, too. “I think you’re doing all right,” she smirks.

Thor’s heart flutters at Sif’s comment. She doesn’t always show her warm side and for her to show it makes him feel a sense of security.

Thor sometimes forgets that Sif was always the one standing on Thor’s other side. Never needing to give him encouragement, but willing to if that’s what he needed.

“You have no idea how much I need to hear that,” Thor says, with a tone of relief in his voice. “I’ve been confined to my room for nearly two days. Everyone is watching me with caution and expecting me to make another unpredictable move and to be honest, I understand.

“I’m unstable, sleep deprived and feeling completely miserable all the time. Even if I don’t feel like I am doing anything right, it’s nice to have someone who can tell me otherwise,” he chuckles. “These two days in here makes me wonder if I’m fit to be king,” he frowns.  

“You are,” she argues. “And since Asgard lost its planet and most of its people, I’m sure that everyone will be patient with you and willing to help you figure it out.” Sif gives Thor’s hand a gentle squeeze before she lets go.

“What if I wear everyone’s patience too thin?”

“No such thing! You’ve lost everything and were given this responsibility as king almost overnight. Considering you have never been king, Asgard would probably have been more concerned if you knew what you were doing. Anyway, you faced a mad titan, defeated him and you managed to keep most of your people safe with-

“Minimal casualties and I found a place to resettle,” Thor finishes, “I know. That’s all anyone tells me,” he groans. “I was only doing what felt right. I don’t think it was anything special.”

“Nonsense, we were all frightened and you lead everyone while keeping calm and focused.”

“Sif, I wouldn’t consider this calm,” Thor jingles the chains on his arms.

“Loki would be proud,” Sif huffs out without thinking and flinches. She’s afraid that she might have spoken too soon. She opens her mouth to apologize but Thor waves a hand to stop her.

“No, you’re right. He would be.” Thor says the first thing on his mind without caring if he is straying off topic, “I need to let him go, but I can’t,” Thor grits his teeth. Talking about his brother is more difficult than he thought it would be. Thor pulls on his chains and breathes. The burn of resistance on his wrists keep him from wanting to start crying again. That’s all he’s been doing lately and it’s humiliating.  

Sif leans forward and places a hand on Thor’s shoulder.

“I miss him too,” she confesses.

He releases the tension on his wrists.

It was clear that Sif and Loki grew apart. Truthfully, it was Loki who grew apart from everyone, but as children, the three of them stayed close. Thor and Loki were the closest Sif had to brothers and she was never excluded in their sibling squabbles. It made their fights even less fair, but more exciting. One of them would always join in and take a jab (or a tackle) at the other.  

Their fights would sometimes go too far. One time, Loki apologized for three weeks straight until Sif forgave him for permanently chopping off her blonde hair and changing it to black. Thor practically twisted Loki’s arm off until he could change it back.

It took an additional three weeks for Sif to forgive him for never finding the counter curse. Another time, she practically impaled Thor for insisting she looked prettier as a brunette. Those kinds of fights were always well and forgiven in the end and the three would go back to their usual playful fun.

Thor assumed Sif hated Loki for turning against Asgard, but maybe underneath all her acid, sneers and threats, there was still the sister who cared about him.

Sif murmurs, “Thor, you don’t have to truly let him go.” There’s a tone of gentleness in Sif’s voice. “He was too stubborn to let you ignore him, even in death.”

“And he always had to do everything with drama,” Thor adds. “The fool even died while taking center stage. I don’t think you should have been there to see it, but you wouldn’t have been surprised if you saw.” Thor notices that he never told anybody that. A small weight releases in his chest.

“I can only imagine,” Sif shakes her head. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say, is Loki will always have a special place in your heart, and that’s where he belongs.” There is a truth in Sif’s words that Thor feels comfort hearing. “But don’t _ever_ forget him,” Sif warns. “He would never forgive you for that.” The two exchange a smile. 

* * *

Sif offers to keep Thor’s mind occupied for a while and pulls out a deck of cards. They spend the next hour playing a mix of games and catching up on lost time. The war hardly gave them a moment to de-stress and explain what they have been up to since their last parting.

While Tony insisted that Thor should avoid any alcohol, Sif knew that Thor would recover faster if he had things he enjoyed with him. Unlike her or Loki, tea isn’t quite his preferred drink to relax with. Sneaking in a bit of mead would do him more good than it would do harm.

Thor’s mood dims as he looks into his mead. He didn’t expect to be chipper overnight, but he hoped he would at least feel better for a bit longer. Sif notices Thor’s shift in mood and clears her throat.   

“Forgive me if this upsets you, but I have to speak my mind,” Sif blurts out.  

“Aren’t you always?” Thor snickers.

Sif sets her drink down, takes in a deep breath and says, “You haven’t let yourself properly grieve. For anyone. Your parents, Asgard, our friends. I know what you’ve been doing because I've been doing the exact same thing. Looking for another adventure to keep us busy. Now that the storm has calmed, there isn’t much left to do but think,” Sif stops herself before she breaks into tears.

Thor’s heart softens. He never thought to ask Sif how she handled everything from Frigga to the destruction of their home. He’s been too caught up in his own storm to think about anything else.

“I’m sorry,” Thor notes Sif’s trembling lip, “Sif, I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you.”

Sif holds up a hand and laughs.

“I’m not asking for pity or sympathy. I can handle myself,” she sucks in a breath.

“You give me this big speech and now you’re telling me you don’t need me?” Thor grumbles.

Sif cracks a smile and looks outside Thor’s window. If she had the nerve to speak her mind, this silence wouldn’t be so uncomfortable.

“Would it really be good for you to help me when you are just as hurt as I am?” Sif shrugs.

“Well, maybe we need each other,” Thor suggests.

Sif hums in agreement and sniffs. She didn’t mean to tear up, but the stress of everything is finally catching up to her.

Thor jerks his hand and frowns, “If I could, I would wipe away that tear on your cheek. Maybe even pull you in for an embrace.”

Sif barks out a laugh and reaches over. “I can unbind you if you wish.” She eyes him cautiously, “Do you trust that you will be all right? It was your idea to stay in the chains.”

Thor considers Sif’s words. It will take time to rebuild himself. There will be more rough patches, and he has only just begun to heal. Things will be dulled for some time and he hopes for brightness soon. Until then, he knows that he will always have Sif to trust. 

* * *

“You’ve made me wait too long for your promise, brother." Thor wraps a hand around the back of Loki’s neck affectionately. His heart filling up at the solid contact he can make.

He looks back at everything. All the hope and peace he let himself live to see. The love he gave and got back. From new and old souls, he is grateful for each and every one of them. “But, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t worth it.”

“Probably my best trick yet.” Loki’s smile is bright and familiar. Exactly how he remembered it. Not like those fake apparitions his brain used to conjure up in his youth.

“No,” Thor counters, “it wasn’t a trick.” Thor pulls his brother close and wraps his arms around. The sun in Valhalla is much brighter than Midgard’s and he’s grateful he can share it with his brother by his side. Finally, without any doubt in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> And that’s that! I spent forever on this fic because I was trying to get the angst without sounding over the top. Hope I did it alright. When I first had this idea, it was meant to be a 300 word thing where the plot twist is of Loki being a hallucination. And I felt that leaving it where everyone finds out Loki is still dead wouldn’t say much about what Thor was dealing with. I just needed more. And that’s where it got tricky. I didn’t know where to stop without it being overdrawn. The problem is, in real life, dealing with loss feels like a hamster wheel. Where you become a broken record and hope that things will somehow change. So, I ended it with Sif because I feel that she would be the closest thing Thor could have for comfort. She’s probably dealing with the same grief and the two kids need to support each other. They’re most likely going to be going in a mind-circle for a long time until they find that sense of regularity and rebuild a new chapter in their lives together. 
> 
> On a happier note, I’m thinking about writing a short snippet about Sif’s hair because A) I had a lot of fun thinking about how that fight would go and B) it’s based off an actual story of Sif. So, we’ll see what happens with that. 
> 
>  
> 
> Feel free to say hi to me on [Tumblr!](http://lazy-cat-corner.tumblr.com/) That’s where most of my shenanigans take place.


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